Today is the first day of Lent. I participate not for religious reasons, but because I like to play a game called: How Fast Can Ellie Give Up On Her Goal. This year I think I may have set the high score…
My roommate gave up sweets, my other friend gave up cursing, and me? I gave up boys.
Fun fact about myself: I am addicted to making people like me. I’ve been like this since I was little, but a major transformation happened in high school that caused this insecure quirk of mine to become my fatal flaw: I got boobs. And I got my braces off. My level of attractiveness doubled, therefore my spastic, awkward nature was now [apparently] endearing to the opposite sex. Boys emerged from everywhere, and I wasn’t used to it. I’m still not! I never learned how to reject them, because part of me still lives to please others. So, as you can imagine, when I came to college this flaw became a major problem. College boys are more straight forward about what they want, and I think they can sense that I will give it to them. No, I don’t mean sexually (well in some occasions I do mean sexually). I just can’t turn them down.
Needless to say, I’ve been in a lot of relationships that I did not necessarily want be in. If I’m being perfectly honest, I could probably be in meaningless relationships for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. I get a self esteem boost from making guys like me AND I get to enjoy the best part of a relationship: the honeymoon phase. Then, I’ll end things before my partner sees all of my ugly insecurities and falls out of infatuation with me. It’s a bulletproof system *laughs nervously*.
My friends from college were the first ones to bring the flaws of this system to my attention. I was leading guys on, I was breaking hearts left and right, I was breaking my own heart, I was losing respect for myself, and I was becoming depending on always having a relationship. Okay, so maybe my system wasn’t as bulletproof as I thought.
The rules of my Lent sacrifice (Constructed by Mary Sloan, Olivia, and Audrey):
- No flirting
- No sex
- No exchanging numbers
- No going anywhere alone with a boy unless it’s for studying purposes
I pinky promised each one of my friends that I would stick to my goal. But yesterday was Mardi Gras, or as I like to call it, the designated day of sin. I wanted to get in a last meaningless interaction with a boy, because I knew the next forty days were going to be hell.
I did the one thing that you’re not supposed to do. When this event occurred, every female around the world felt an unexplained chill. If I were to get my hands on the original “Girl code”, it would probably catch on fire.
I….I……….kissed my ex boyfriend.
Unfortunately, this happened at 12:08 am. That means that I not only broke a pinky promise, but I wasn’t able to stick with my goal for TEN MINUTES. I will still be completing the rest of the 39 days of Lent, but God I really need to reevaluate my priorities.