It makes so much sense.

Codependency. It’s is a very passive trait. I often refer to myself as a jellyfish: just flowing with the tide of the current.

Although this makes me sound like a very “carefree, go-with-the-flow” type of person, I am everything but that. I am a prisoner to this characteristic. I am a prisoner to myself. I think that’s why Dimitra Milan’s painting resonates so much with me. It shows a girl with contorted limbs, as if the tentacles of her environment are pulling her in different directions.

In my mind, people give me purpose. My self image is a reflection of how others perceive me. Without their opinions, I have no self.

At night time I become restless. I used to think this was because I craved scandal. And don’t get me wrong, I do crave scandal. In fact, I seek it out. But it’s not for the superficial reasons I originally thought. Scandal is the only way I know how to get a reaction out of people, more specifically, guys. Their reactions and my romanticized concept of drama fill my empty shell with meaning. But afterwards I’m filled with guilt: my body’s way of telling that what I’m doing is not the answer.

The question is, how do I detach myself from this? It’s going to be a bumpy transition considering the fact that I’ve been practicing this since I can remember. Today I purchased a book called Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. My mom recommended it when she discovered the uncanny similarities between me and Beattie’s description of codependency.

I’ve got to do some soul searching. I can’t keep surrounding myself with people just to gain self-approval.  I can’t look in other people to find answers about myself. It sounds so elementary…how did I let it come to this?

Recently, it seems like scandal has been following me around. It’s everywhere I turn. I suppose when you start seeking it, it seeks you right back. I think I need to burn some bridges. It’s harder than you think. These people are how I define myself. By cutting one of them off, it feels like I’m cutting off a part of myself. But it’s not rational or healthy to think that way. I need to be aware of that.

I need to do the things that I don’t want to do.


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