Project E

So here it is: My first blog. My reason for doing this? I am pathetic, therefore my favorite pass-time is writing about all of the mental garbage that pollutes my mind on the daily.

And that leads me to my next point: I want to accept myself. When I look in the mirror, I want to be happy with the person staring back at me. I’m tired of insulting myself. I’ve learned that you can criticize yourself as much as you want, but at the end of the day you’re just going to feel like a heaping pile of dog shit that drowns their worries in ice cream, meaningless relationships, drugs, alcohol, or whatever impulsive pleasure tingles your Pringle.

I’ve had some difficult experiences. We all have. I could give you a whole timeline of events starting from birth until just a week ago, and it would probably explain every flaw/insecurity/quirk that I have. But what good would that do? All I know is how I am right now. There’s no point in analyzing the past because it’s not going to change a damn thing. That’s been the hardest concept for me to accept. I don’t want to know all the reasons why I have issues, I just want to learn how to cope with them.

So who am I right now? I won’t bore you with the details, but I’ll give a quick summary: My name is Ellie. I’m 18, the youngest of four kids, and I’m currently a freshman in college.  I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression over Christmas break, after I had spent every night drinking myself into a stupor and then getting behind the wheel of a car. I do not believe that I have either one of those disorders, but try telling that to my therapist (shrinks, am-I-right?). I was put on a new antidepressant medication to hopefully clear the fog of negativity in my brain. Though I am still doubtful about my diagnoses, I will say that things have been a lot clearer since I began the happy pills. Things have definitely gone uphill since the holidays, but that just leaves me scratching around in the same old hole I’ve been in for 18 years: dissatisfaction

  • I’m tired of procrastinating happiness
  • I’m tired of sabotaging myself
  • I’m tired of putting short-term desires before my long-term goals
  • I’m tired of wishing I was anyone but myself
  • I’m tired of dwelling on the past
  • I’m tired of stressing about the future.
  • And goddammit, I’m tired of being tired.

So how do I plan to turn this new, confused leaf of mine? Three words: mind, body, and spirit. If I try to incorporate a task that exercises each of those aspects into every day, I think I’ll go to bed with a little less self-hatred (which is the ultimate goal). I’m interested to see if I can finally break my streak of making empty promises to myself.

People always say, “Things get better”. Well, if you’re reading this, then I’m assuming you’re in or have been in a position where things never got better. But that doesn’t give you an excuse to give up. That just gives you more of a reason to stop sitting around waiting for happiness to hit you in the face one day, and start chasing that bitch.

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